I guess it started.... Saturday? I was downstairs and noticed my cell phone ringing, so I paused Tales of Symphonia (love the game. *Massive spoilers await until you've finished the game* KRATOS! MARRY ME PLEASE!~ T_T // Presea is 28 FRIGGIN YEARS OLD! You GenisxPresea bishies! PreseaxRegal FOREVER // OMG @ LloydxCollete! Go die, Collete, GO DIE! SheenaxLloyd FOREVER! // In the event Kratos can't marry me, he should get with Raine. YEAH, I know they aren't exactly attracted in the game, but they're the most compatible. I'm a KratosxAnna fan too, but ANNA IS DEAD AND HAS BEEN FOR 14 YEARS. KTHX. Kranna and Kraine fan <3 But Anna was Kratos' first love. Shout out to Anna! Dx // Blah @ ZelosxSheena! Zelos is too much of a playboy to be commited to just Sheena, plus Sheena has feelings for Lloyd. And, if you picked Kratos in Flanoir, Zelos are teh dead 8D. Yeah, Zelos was sexy and had a really messed up past though. Poor guy. // YuanxMartel FOREVER! // NOWAI @ YuanxKratos! NEVA! NEVA! //Damn, that was long, anyway, back to my story o.o) and went upstairs to answer it. On the other line was Nadine who asked demanded I come to the mall with her and try on prom dresses. I asked my grandmother and she took me, not without her small little complaints and such. Anyway, got to the mall and was greeted by Nadine and her family. We walked around and found a store with a lot of dresses but the store owners were rude and barely spoke English -.- My point? I finally realize how fat I am. I tried on a size 18 dress and couldn't zip it up. On the other hand, Nadine fit all of her dresses perfectly. Yeah, it was cut small and since I'm not flat chested, it was a tight fit. Hmm.

Anyway, point number two? She's much more family orientated than I am. They're tight knit. My family? I barely known them and feel much more comfortable that way. No one talks to me except my mom and that's fine with me. Selfish? I dunno, don't care.

I'm still 110% sure something is going to happen to ruin my prom. Its just fate, unavoidable. At least one thing, and it'll probably be financially related. Its just a given. I wouldn't like my dress, my friends wouldn't be there, my limo will be horrible, or I just wouldn't go at all.

Well, I'm going to Pittsburg on Thursday through Saturday. I wanted Monday through Saturday, or Wednesday through Saturday, but of course not. Its always something money related, usually lack of. "We don't have money for that." "We can't afford that right now." My mom's a single parent and doing the best she can, so its rather selfish. Yeah, I realize I'm trying to fill a void in my heart with cash and material things, but my other methods proved failure (i,e, Thomas). I dunno why, but my love life hits me the hardest of any other issue that's caused me endless depression. Insulting me, talking about me, anything else wouldn't hurt me like a failed relationship. While others are ignorant of their flaws, I am fully aware of mine and it feels like I'm pouring salt on them instead of healing them. My desires are simple; it could possibly be a result of my impatience. Time is a cruel mistress, moving at a steady pace yet it feels like an eternity.

Maybe I'm selfish to those who I feel will never leave me, and selfless to those I'm afriad of leaving.... I've given all, and gained none. Hmm. Maybe that's it.

Keep on trying to be content, and sooner or later they'll see the light. If it happens, it happens, and I know I'm gonna be hurt. Its a pill I'm gonna have to swallow; a weed that has to be pulled because it can't be killed. I can keep on smiling, but only God Himself knows how I really want it to end up, even though it seems wrongs and He knows my heart through the darkness. Hear my prayer. Do what much be done, even if it hurts. Its only for the best. Not that one, not that one, not this time, come on, let's try again, I'll always be here. But if it happens, when it happens, when it finally happens, will I truly be able to forever hold my peace and hold my head up and my tears of regret back afterwards?

I'm gonna go to bed now and think about the place in my heart where a light still shines and angels whisper stories of dreams into my sleeping ear. A place where only the things I allow to happen, happen. A time where the future is now and the present is the past, and it doesn't hurt anymore. A time when I'm taking another step up instead of falling down once again. A time when I can try to grow plants in the grounds of a warm Spring, instead of the bitter cold of Decembers. A time when I can smile for more than a day. A time when everything is perfect.

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Hmm. Call it a mood swing if you want, but I still feel different. To my fears, it has not only mutated from my online life, but its in my offline life: i.e. school and home. I've said it before and I'm going to keep saying it until some beautiful angel can promise me it'll never happen: one of these days, the last remaining rocks that hold me together will roll away, realizing I was merely a waste of their time. I'm still very protective of my emotions and heart, I feel there's no one I can truly trust in the one way I've failed to trust absolutely anyone in my life. It pains me to say, but there are certain things I just can't tell anyone. If I speak it to the earth, it'll crumble beneth me. If this ship sinks, I'm not bringing my friends with me. I've tried to live my life mistake-free, and ended up making so many cracks in my road. To admit my mistakes, is to admit a lie, and I can't do that. I fear there's nothing in this world that is permenant, so I wouldn't make ties with it. Yes, sometimes my imagination betrays me: showing me images of a bright, successful future, but I'm learning to quickly snuff them out.
My most recent dreams is hanging out with a group of friends on prom night, especially Nadine. But I'm also bracing for the worse, which always seems to happen: either she wouldn't go, I wouldn't go, my mom wouldn't be able to afford everything I want, or I wouldn't like something about my prom dress or the prom itself. Because not having Nadine there would hurt the most, that's probably what's going to happen. I have about two months to lie to myself and say I wouldn't be hurt if she doesn't show up, but I need more time. What's a party without a princess? What anime ever ends where the main character isn't surrounded by friends and living happily ever after? Ah, it may be selfish, but its true. Even my cast party, I hate all my pictures and I didn't like my hair. My eighth grade social, I hated my hair and my dress and it sucked ass. Everything and everyone around me shows me how I lack in some instince of my life. My redeeming qualities aren't show without effort and time.
Yes, yes, the Thomas thing still hurts me. I still regret even asking. That pain wouldn't go away for a while. Watch me. I'm gonna fall over the point of redemption, and they're all gonna sit back, think, and cry about the life with me they had they could have ended less tragically. I should probably talk to a guidance counselor, but it would be an inconvience to everyone around me, and I can not let that happen.
No one is perfect, and I tried to be. Everyone's lost something, yet I barely gain. Call it a lack of appreciation, but something needs to be done. Keeping a level head and being emotionally challenged is truly a challenge, and I'm losing the battle. I'll be strong when I need to. Its gotten to the point where I'm only strong, fearless, and confident when it comes to my friends and family. I'd sacrifice it all for anyone other than myself. I'm bond by contract. I'm glad I didn't promise to be happy; that might have been my first and only broken promise.
When my friends are hurt, I'm hurt. I can bare with it, it shows the bond of my contract. I have no problem with sacrificing. The proof is in the past: look at what has been lost.

The past was meant to be learned from, the present meant to be lived, and the future meant to be dreamed. Let not the past rule you; as it can not be relived nor can it be changed. Your present is most precious, as it is your now. Plant seeds to grow for later. Your future is the most beautiful because it comes from your dreams. The future belongs to those with the most beautiful imaginations, the strongest, who outlasted the storms.

Keep picking up the pieces of the broken hearted, until my fingers bleed. Until I can bleed no more, and all the emotion is drained from my very being. Until I can cry no more, until I can bleed no more.

I have a reply for everything, the reply just varies apon my mood. Which has changed at least three times during my typing this. Hmm. I need to talk to someone. I have a report to finish. Peace ~

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The real damage is shown. I should have known what would happen after talking with Jay. To tell the truth, he sounded like me when I had my head on straight: that really showed me how messed up I'm getting. I kinda provoked it. It would hurt less if he said it, but that back fired. The fault is mutual, but the pain isn't. Anyway, I deleted him, Lym, and Jake from my MSN. I'll readd them when/if the time is right. I need to clear my head. Jake was deleted for breaking his promise. I hate broken promises. Three contracts down, too many more to go =)

My mood swings are still violent, easily triggered, and rather "deadly." My mom yelled at me for putting on my PSP during church (no, actually, after church when everyone was dismissed >_>). She's like "I could have taken it, but I haven't yet." I had visions of me throwing it against the wall, watching it smash to pieces, and walking into traffic. That feeling went away in about three hours.

But I'll be okay. I'm the beginning and end of myself; I am the poison and the cure. Even if the mood swings are coming in hotter and more violent, I can still shake them off. Through all my moods, my memory is untainted. Until all of my contracts are expired and/or voided, I am forbidden to leave this life of my own free will and am bond to provide warmth in the dead of December. I am also going through the process of destroying all hope for myself of all the dreams I once held dear that pertain to my own happiness.

♥♥ And you don't know what you've got til its gone and when you've lost it, you feel like you can't move on. But don't worry, Lovely. I'll be the first to your funeral, the last to your wedding.

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This is seriously some of the meanest shit I've ever said. I'm REALLY in a bad mood, and this is venting. Extreme venting. So, if you're someone who is faint of heart, easily upset, or one of the people who put me in such a bad mood, don't read. Yes, Jennifer and Jay, that means you.

Click read more to read the rest. Its long.

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W00t! New layout! Aint it awesome! Yeah, I'm working on the font color now, lol =x Hard to read. We'll see. In the meantime, DEAL WITH IT. Too lazy to blog. PEACE. Gotta go see some peoples on Flyff <3

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